The Hierarchy of Soothing: A Gentle Guide for Sleep-Deprived Parents

Jun 9

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If you’re holding your baby while reading this with one hand and sipping your third cup of lukewarm coffee with the other, first of all, I see you. I’ve been there. And so have hundreds of families I’ve supported through those long, hazy days and even longer nights.

It’s no secret that baby sleep can feel overwhelming, especially when you’re exhausted and wondering if something needs to change. Maybe you’re bouncing on the yoga ball like it’s a competitive sport. Maybe contact naps are the only way anyone rests. Maybe you’ve even Googled “can you sleep train a newborn?” at 2 a.m. while swaying in the dark.

Let’s take a breath together and reframe this. Because the question isn’t: “Am I doing it wrong?”

The better question is: “Is what we’re doing still working for our family—and if not, what gentle steps can we take next?”

That’s where the Hierarchy of Soothing comes in.

Why Baby Sleep Isn’t Just “Trainable”

Here’s what I want you to know: newborns aren’t developmentally ready for traditional sleep training. Their brains and nervous systems just aren’t there yet. But that doesn’t mean you’re stuck in the contact-nap trenches forever, either.

Between birth and 4–6 months, babies are still learning how to regulate themselves. During this time, your job is to be their regulator—to help co-regulate with soothing strategies, consistency, and presence. Over time, and at their own pace, most babies can move toward more independent sleep.

The Hierarchy of Soothing offers a roadmap to get there—without forcing, without ignoring, and without jumping from full-contact snuggles to “put down drowsy but awake” overnight.

What Is the Hierarchy of Soothing?

It’s a 12-step framework I use in 1:1 consults and teach in my Rooted Rest sleep course. Think of it as a ladder—from most hands-on support to the most independent sleep. Each rung of the ladder is a small, doable shift.

Whether you’re bedsharing, co-sleeping, or trying to get your baby to nap in the bassinet for once—this approach adapts to your situation. It’s not about where you sleep—it’s about how you support your baby while they’re learning to sleep.

The 12 Steps of Gentle Sleep Support

Full Contact Support - Rocking, feeding, bouncing, or wearing your baby for every sleep. This is biologically normal in the newborn stage—and sometimes, it’s the only thing that works.
Holding & Feeding to Sleep - Baby falls asleep while nursing or bottle-feeding in your arms, then laying down in their sleep space after they are asleep. Again—normal, common, and not “wrong.”
Holding to Sleep (Without Feeding) - You’re separating feeding from sleeping, but still rocking, holding, and soothing your baby to sleep, then laying down in their sleep space.
Partial Contact - You reduce the amount of movement or closeness you offer. Maybe you’re holding the baby still instead of bouncing, or sitting instead of pacing.
In-Arms Comfort Without Motion - This step is harder than it looks. You’re holding your baby, but not rocking or moving—just stillness and presence.
External Support to Soothe (Motion) - Motion without holding—like a stroller nap, swing, or car ride. It’s still soothing, but less dependent on you. You are staying close, touch when necessary, and use your voice to soothe as needed.
Touch, Voice & Proximity to Soothe - Baby is laid down sleepy and more and more awake in their crib or bassinet, and you’re offering shushing, gentle touch, and staying nearby.
Voice & Proximity to Soothe - No touch now—just sitting near baby and using your voice or presence to support them.
Voice to Soothe - You’re near, but now you’re relying on your voice alone. This might be humming, singing, or saying your sleepy-time phrase.
Voice to Soothe Increasing Proximity - Use the Sleep Lady Shuffle by gradually moving away from the crib while providing voice reassurance. You can start halfway between the crib and the door, then go to the door. (More relevant for toddlers, less for infants)
Self-Soothing - Babies start using their own strategies—such as sucking their fingers, turning their heads, or making rhythmic movements—to fall asleep with minimal assistance. You might need to check in occasionally to reassure your child that you will always return when necessary.
Everybody Sleeps - Baby is placed down sleepy but awake and drifts off independently, and you get to eat something with two hands or just lie down and breathe. The dream, right?

How to Use This Ladder in Real Life

Here’s the truth: most families don’t go through all 12 steps in a perfect, linear order. You may bounce between a few steps, skip one entirely, or stay in one phase for weeks. And that’s okay.

The power of the Hierarchy is in recognizing where your baby is—and where they might be ready to go next.

Ask yourself:

Are they totally reliant on motion to fall asleep?
Can they settle in your arms without bouncing?
What’s the least amount of support they can fall asleep with right now?
Once you know the answer, you’ve found your starting point.

But What About Sleep Training?

It’s totally valid to want a break, a shower, or just a moment to yourself. Sleep deprivation is real, and it takes a toll. But “sleep training” doesn’t have to mean leaving your baby to cry alone or following a rigid schedule that doesn’t work for your life.

Using the Hierarchy of Soothing is a way to support independent sleep without abandoning your baby’s need for connection. It’s responsive. It’s gradual. And most importantly—it’s something you can feel good about.

You’re Not Behind

If your baby is 3 months old, 5 months old, or even 8 months old and still needs a lot of help to sleep, you are not late. You’re not failing. You’re parenting a real, feeling human being—and they’re learning at their own pace.

The beauty of this approach is that you can start where you are. It’s never too early—or too late—to offer more structure, more rhythm, and more support for better sleep.

Want More Help?

If you’re thinking, “Okay Deb, I want to try this—but I don’t want to do it alone,” I’ve got you.

✨ Download my free Hierarchy of Soothing guide here

✨ Or check out my upcoming 8-week Rooted Rest Sleep Course—a gentle sleep support program for babies 0–3 years with optional weekly Q&As and step-by-step guidance.

Final Thoughts

Helping your baby sleep doesn’t mean forcing independence. It means supporting their development with love, rhythm, and the slow magic of consistency.

You’re allowed to want rest. You’re allowed to want change. And there’s a way to do that without sacrificing your values or your baby’s sense of safety.

If you’re struggling with baby sleep, know this: there’s a ladder to climb—and you don’t have to do it alone.

💛 You’re doing a great job. And everybody sleeps eventually.

Warmly,

Doula Deb

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